Ever find yourself wondering how your kids can be best friends one minute, and name-calling, screaming, or even physically fighting each other the next? Well, you’re not alone. Though it's not uncommon for siblings to fight (especially at younger ages), it can be quite upsetting to watch and frustrating to cope with.
Sibling rivalry looks like jealousy, competition, and conflict between siblings, and can begin even before a new sibling is born. When a new child is introduced into the home, the family dynamic inevitably changes. Though a new addition is ultimately a positive thing, it can be confusing and disorienting for kids of all ages. Suddenly, the older child is no longer the sole focus of their parents' attention - and on the flip-side, younger children may not understand why their older siblings have different privileges. Since these frustrations are difficult for kids to understand and verbalize, they often express them by acting out. While some conflict between siblings is inevitable, there are some things you can do to help reduce the frequency of sibling rivalry.
Give individual attention
Jealousy and competition between siblings can arise from a fight for parental attention. If a child's need for positive attention isn’t met, they may respond by misbehaving. From their perspective, even negative attention is better than no attention at all. We get it: parent life is extremely busy, and creating space for quality time with each child might seem impossible. However, giving each child even 10-20 minutes of your undivided attention (that means no devices!) can help satisfy their need for one-on-one time. Make sure you listen to how they might like to spend this special time (as long as it can be completed in a reasonable period) and let them know how important these one-on-one "dates" with them are to you. It’s important to acknowledge that your children are individuals with their own unique needs. Listen to what they are telling you and work together to find ways to make them feel seen and cared for.
Help them develop conflict resolution skills
As exasperating as sibling rivalry may be for both children and parents, kids can stand to learn valuable lessons about relationships and boundary-setting by practicing how to overcome conflicts with their sibling(s). First and foremost, it’s important to give your kids coping skills to help them calm down when they’re feeling upset or angry: walk away, count to 10, take 5 deep breaths, or do whatever they find relaxing. Children don’t come equipped with language to effectively express their emotions and ask for what they need in a productive way. This is where you come in! “You” statements such as “you stole my toy, you’re mean!”can escalate situations by criticizing the other sibling; teach your kids how to use “I” statements instead (“I feel angry and sad when you take my toy out of my hand"). The basic template for an “I” statement is:
“I feel [emotion] when you [hurtful action] so can we please/I need you to [possible solution]”
Teaching your kids to use “I” statements will help them learn how to express their feelings in a helpful, calm way and also allow them to ask for what they need in order to reach a solution. It will also be helpful for children to learn to understand other perspectives and develop empathy. Work with your kids to come to a solution that satisfies all parties, and make sure everyone has a chance to be heard without interruption. But remember, if you want your children to develop healthy conflict resolution skills, you need to be a good role model yourself – be mindful of the ways in which you approach conflict with your partner or others in front of your kids, as they’ll pick up on this too. You might find it more helpful to practice these skills by role-playing after everyone has calmed down, rather than only trying to implement these techniques in the heat of a conflict.
Know when to stay out of it
Once you have given your children the skills and language needed to resolve conflicts on their own, you have to give them the opportunity to practice. Not only does involving yourself in every little tiff or squabble reward the conflict by bringing attention to it, but it doesn’t give your kids the chance to work things out on their own. Intervene when you need to, such as when your kids clearly aren't reaching an agreement, or you're fearing someone might get hurt. Avoid placing blame and taking sides, which will only fuel comparison and competition. If they clearly can’t agree and you do have to step in, encourage teamwork by asking them to come up with some possible solutions together before offering up your suggestions.
While you won’t be able to completely eradicate conflict between your kids, over time they should become better and better at working things out on their own, before things reach a boiling point. Be patient with them while they’re honing these skills – many adults still struggle to resolve conflicts in healthy ways! It may take time, but it will be well worth it. Not only does helping your kids to get along better mean that you can enjoy a quieter, more peaceful home, but you’ll also be setting them up for future success in their relationships moving forward.